Sexism…towards dads?!

I’ve heard of mansplaining before; it’s the concept of a man explaining something to someone, typically a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronising. 

(Do you see what I did there?) 

But what happens when women are condescending – or even downright sexist – towards men? And in particular, towards us dads?! 

Sexism towards dads

I read an article recently which focused on this exact issue. The story was all about a gay male couple who have a young daughter, and who have experienced ‘sexist’ behaviour – on a daily basis – from women they felt were condescending towards them. 

You can read their full story here. 

The everyday sexism, they say, was far more demoralising and commonplace to them than any anti-gay sentiment they’ve experienced, which surprised me a lot. 

And it made me ask myself a few questions:

Have I experienced anything like that myself? 

Is it different for gay dads, than it is for straight ones? 

Might these dads be over-reacting? Maybe the women were genuinely just trying to help?

Does it all come down to the tone, or context?

Has it happened to me?

First of all, I have definitely encountered situations where I’ve been given advice by women I didn’t know.

For example, when I met my friend Luca for a drink at Covent Garden at the weekend. Marley had wanted to sit in his buggy to my side, rather than right up at the table with us. As Luca and I chatted, I noticed a woman at a nearby table waving to get my attention. When I looked over, she pointed and gestured to me that Marley’s buggy was now right in the direct sunlight, which I hadn’t realised. 

I quickly pulled the buggy’s cover over to protect Marley’s head from the sun, smiled an appreciative ‘thank you’ to the woman, and we carried on our conversation. 

Now I would say this was a bit of helpful, friendly advice. I had been keeping a close eye on Marley (I promise!) so it was a little embarrassing that I hadn’t noticed the problem. But I didn’t feel like this woman was trying to do anything other than look out for a little boy whose dad hadn’t realised had the sun in his eyes. 

I would also say that, on the whole, any strangers (men or women) who have ever spoken to me in public about Marley have more-or-less always been positive and supportive, and I can’t actually think of a single example of patronising or condescending behaviour I’ve experienced. 

There were are a couple of examples used in the article of women asking things like: “Have you thought about changing her nappy?” or “Do you think she’s hungry?” which I feel, given the context (a screaming baby), are not too unreasonable questions to ask. 

Yes, they might make a new dad feel a little useless, incapable, impotent, even unqualified for the job….but that’s how it feels to be a new dad anyway!

Maybe the mean well?

Whether it comes from a maternal instinct, or just a genuine human desire to help, I feel these kind of questions usually emerge from a good place.

However, suggestions like “perhaps I should hold the baby for you?” are pushing it (if the shoe was on the other foot, I don’t think a new mum would appreciate that one).

And the story of the waitress telling the couple: “Two men cannot look after a baby, next time bring a woman” is less ‘condescending’ and more plain ignorant.

I like to think there aren’t too many people going around saying things to any dads just to belittle them, or make them feel inept. It’s a tough enough job as it is.